Helplessness

Occasionally throughout life I’ve had a feeling that I haven’t been able to identify or thoroughly explain until just recently. I realized the other night that this feeling is that of helplessness. There are two situations in which I routinely feel this way. When I feel sick to the point of vomiting and when I’m heavily inebriated or medicated. In both situations I’m completely incapable of assisting myself out of my predicament. My only choice is to wait it out. I don’t mind it when I’m drugged up though. For some reason I’m at peace with the fact that I’m helpless. But not when I’m kneeling over a toilet seat. When I have some sort of high and I’m feeling good, I enjoy the helplessness because it takes all the pressure off of me to do anything. But when I’m retching I’m looking for a way out, even though I know there’s none. Helplessness is fine when you’re feeling good, but when you feel that rising sensation through your stomach and up your neck, you despise the feeling of helplessness because you want to be able to get yourself out of your predicament. So helplessness carries dual personas in the mind. The persona of relief of responsibility and the persona that reminds you just how powerless and dependent on luck you are.